Generally you can judge a book by it's cover, and often you can judge an article by it's opening paragraph, however this is just a sentence
The World Cup is here again, yes it's that time of year, to freeze yourself for roughly three years and ten months and hey presto, the World Cup is back again as if by magic, and as you slowly thaw in front of the fire, your nan nestling at your feet, the birds singing in the branches as you break them off and throw them into the fire to speed up the thawing process while trying not to wake up your Nan, but then the screams of the birds as they roast alive, their feathers catching fire making them unable to take flight from their fiery hell actually do break your Nan from her happy slumber, you may ask yourself, Why?Why all this big deal to see 11 men kick a ball, or in reality 22 men kick a ball, or if you consider the fact that there are 32 teams in the competition 352 men kick a ball, and taking into account that there are 3 subs allowed for each team per match, 448 potential men kicking a ball?
Well I can't speak for 448 men, well not since the court decision, but I can try and shed some light on this sporting phenomenon.
Secondly, it's more or less free, as long as you have access to a tv with RTE your laughing, buy in a few beers if such is your taste and that's it, it's a recession session and it lasts for over a month, it's the longest session ever, not to mention that you will see some of the best footballing talent on the planet all playing against each other, and if that doesn't tickle your palette then, it gives us something to dwell on that isn't the recession, and also Ireland haven't qualified so the worst has already happened, not like that stupid Eurovision!
Well that's a little of the why, so what next, we decided to grabaGAFF the World Cup up for you slightly, remove the jargon and get right down to the essence of each team, and the best way we decided to do this is by writing a paragraph or so about each team and then comparing them to the Muppet that they most reflect. Yes it's a stupid idea but trust me, what ever keeps our grubby little paws busy is not a bad thing. But first my friends (And Pony)
As has already been alluded to, we will give a synapsis on each team and rate them on our Muppet scale of gloominess, this could be very funny, but then again could is that sneaky sort of word that lies to you and next thing your walking up in the back of an 1990 audi 80 not feeling very proud.
We'll start with the host team and then work our way through alphabetically, why?
BECAUSE I SAID SO!
South Africa:
If any year was their year to shine then it is this one, Bafana Bafana have shown a very start stop form over the last number of years, but as it is said on the FIFA website, there can be no greater motivation than representing their country in a FIFA World Cup' on home soil.
It hasn't been all bad though, in 1996, four years after their readmission to international football, South Africa shot to stardom stunning the African continent by claiming their maiden CAF Africa Cup of Nations trophy against Tunisia at
Soccer City in Johannesburg.
They played well at the FIFA Confederations Cup last June, when they lost to Brazil in the semi-finals and to Spain in the third place play-off, should certainly serve as a reminder, that this team, when stretched to its potential, cannot be underestimated. However since South Africa, by virtue of their role as hosts, gained automatic qualification it is very difficult to say how capable they are.
Their most talented player is Everton midfielder Steven Pienaar, though they are missing their most successful striker, Benni McCarthy, who remains out of favour, Pienaar brings much-needed innovation and imagination to the side as he has done for Everton
Now in his second stint as a South Africa coach, Carlos Alberto Parreira's return was greeted with mixed feelings in South Africa, although it's agreed that he has the pedigree, having led his native Brazil to the winning post at the 1994 FIFA World Cup USA. However, Parreira will be hoping to avoid the difficulties he endured during an inauspicious first spell as head coach, which witnessed him fail to lead South Africa beyond the first round at the 2008 Africa Cup of Nations.
To get to brass tacks (tax) South Africa don't have a strong squad and they haven't had to qualify, so it ain't looking good, they are on home soil, but they aren't very good, so they are: Scooter I don't know much about Scooter, and thats about it really, I don't know much about the South African team and they have little appeal, they probably have more important issues that they should be focusing on as a Country. They won't get passed the first stage.
Algeria:
Ending a 24 year absence from football's top table when they kick their first ball at the World cup, the current crop of players feel stronger than ever, with enough belief to put in a historic performance in South Africa. They have both suffered and impressed in their qualifying campaign. They won all six of their home games in the second and third qualifying rounds but lost three of their away visits, while drawing twice and winning the other game. As a result, they finished one slender point ahead of Gambia, Senegal and Liberia in their first qualifying group, before ending on equal terms with the Pharaohs in their second, and bringing about the need for a play-off on neutral terrain. The duo nonetheless came in eight points ahead of Zambia and 11 ahead of Rwanda.
Though not many if really any household names they boast the likes of Antar Yahia as one of the pillars at the back for his team, a status he shares with Madjid Bougherra, Nadir Belhadj and goalkeeper Lounes Gaouaoui, although back-up custodian Fawzi Chaouchi is now making serious claims on the gloves. Midfield is Algeria's strength, meanwhile, with captain Yazid Mansouri spreading the ball around and forward-thinkers Karim Ziani and Mourad Meghni the most likely players to spark danger. Lastly, striker Karim Matmour has steadily been proving himself more than useful on the right wing.
Following a modest playing career in his homeland and briefly in France, 'Cheik' (the Elder, the Wise or the Master) Rabah Saadane quickly tried his hand at coaching. He soon found employment with the national association, first taking charge of various youth teams.
So that's Algeria, who would we compare them to Muppet wise? Why Zoot of course, I have no idea who Zoot is, and
I care about him slightly more than I do the Algerian National Soccer team. Will not win a game.
Argentina :
Despite a hilarious qualification campaign, Argentina dragged themselves to South Africa with serious designs on winning the title for the first time in 24 years. To achieve that goal, the 1978 and 1986 world champions have pinned their faith in the super lunatic coach Diego Armando Maradona, the country's most famous footballing son and the inspiration behind the second of those memorable triumphs. In fairness, his task isn't that hard considering the fact that he has a star-studded squad at his disposal, one that features several survivors of the team that reached the quarter-finals at Germany 2006, not to mention Lionel Messi and a host of other young stars with several youth titles to their name. Given that roll call, the Argentinians appear to have the resources to atone for recent disappointments and win the country's first international trophy since the Copa America in 1993.
Quite a lot of Argentina's hopes are invested in Lionel Messi, widely regarded as the best footballer in the world. Having earned that reputation thanks to his consistently brilliant performances for Barcelona, La Pulga (The Flea) has yet to fire on a regular basis in the famous blue and white striped shirt, something he will be hoping to make amends for in South Africa. Providing the midfield ballast for the darting Messi will be their captain and driving force Javier Mascherano and the hugely experienced Juan Sebastian Veron, who will be out to prove a point or two after coming in for criticism during Argentina's fateful display at Korea/Japan 2002.
Considered by many to be the finest footballer ever to walk the Earth, Diego Maradona now has the opportunity to repeat as a coach his finest achievement as a player. Straight-talking, impulsive and a born competitor, Maradona retains the aura that made him such a revered figure during his playing days and will be hoping to impart his experience and know-how to a group of players who figure among his most ardent admirers, except he's insane as a coach and if they don't do it, which I don't think they will, he will be to blame with his Grade A Insanity Ray.
But as a Muppet, The Tina's are: The Cookie Monster, The Cookie Monster is a contradiction, he's a monster yet he craves cookies not brains, but he is a full card carrying member of the lunatic club just like this current Argentina side, with a team so talented led by a maniac, after seeing their qualifying games and players he's decided not to bring, I can't see them going too far, yet, if the players do their own thing and play their own game, they could win it, LUNACY I tells ya!. Will get to the second round at least, maybe.
Australia:
Australia made a strong statement at the 2006 World Cup', reaching the knockout stage where it took a last-minute goal from eventual champions Italy to eliminate Guus Hiddink's team. The squad, now under Dutchman, Pim Verbeek, features many of that personnel and is a battle-hardened and experienced group.
The Socceroos impressed in a 14-match Asian qualification campaign overcoming some of the continents best to finish top of Group 1 and be one of the first nations to reach South Africa 2010.
They have a good group of players, Tim Cahill has become a talisman, with the attacking midfielder recording a remarkable goal return for the national team thanks to an uncanny positional sense and aerial ability. Galatasaray wide-man Harry Kewell provides a source of inspiration on the left, with Brett Emerton playing an equally important role on the opposite flank, while in the centre of the park, the under-rated duo of Vince Grella and Jason Culina are a well-oiled and invaluable engine room. The current side are renowned for their defensive capabilities with central defender Lucas Neill and goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer an essential cog as the Socceroos leaked just four goals, including a record run of seven matches without conceding, en route to South Africa.
After a lengthy apprenticeship under Guus Hiddink, Pim Verbeek stepped out of the shadows to take Korea Republic to the 2007 AFC Asian Cup before assuming the reins of Australia in December 2007 just prior to the commencement of the 2010 FIFA World Cup qualifiers. Verbeek has brought a pragmatic approach to the team, built on a thrifty rock-solid defence, but also with capabilities going forward on the flanks. And as a Muppet? Big Bird, likable, professional and they've been down this road before and did well. A good squad and a decent coach, laid back and quiet but a presence none the less, they'll win some games, but they won't go far.
Brazil:
Whats a World Cup without Brazil? The five-times world champions, go into every FIFA World Cup' heavily favoured to add yet another star to the legendary Amarelinha shirt. Having played for A Sele'o at three editions of the global showpiece, coach Dunga will be fully aware that any outcome other than a sixth world crown will likely be considered a failure.
Despite ending the preliminary event on top of the standings, after recording nine wins, seven draws and two defeats, and having clinched a South Africa 2010 berth with three matchdays to spare, the Auriverde camp had been subjected to a torrent of abuse after successive goalless home draws against Argentina, Bolivia and Colombia. Dunga's charges really hit their stride from April 2009, however, racking up five wins in a row including two landmark away results: a 4-0 humbling of Uruguay in Montevideo and a 3-1 defeat of arch-rivals Argentina in Rosario. It was the latter which confirmed their passage to South Africa.
Of course even after dropping all the p!ss up merchants we still have a great team. Starting between the sticks and we have keeper Julio Cesar, whose safe hands are a vital feature of A Sele'o's miserly defence. The triumphant FIFA Confederations Cup South Africa 2009 campaign cemented Kaka's place as the man Brazil look to for inspiration,. Meanwhile up front, Luis Fabiano proved himself a truly world-class finisher with five goals including a priceless brace in the 3-2 final win over the USA.
Upon taking the job in August 2006, Carlos Caetano Bledorn Verri, better known as Dunga, had already experienced the full gambit of emotions that come with playing for Brazil. Indeed, having been among the scapegoats targeted after the disappointment at Italy 1990, the powerful midfielder skippered Brazil to victory four years later in the USA. Despite the Brazilian national team position being his first coaching role, Dunga answered those who doubted his credentials by guiding A Canarinha to triumph in the 2007 Copa America, the FIFA Confederations Cup 2009 and qualifying the team for South Africa 2010 with room to spare so he seems to know his stuff. But which Muppet are these Princes of the World Cup? Ra Ta Datta Da Da it's Fozzie Bear, he's always there or there abouts, can annoy, but then swish, a touch of Samba magic and Wacka, Wacka, Wacka you remember why you love him. Started slowly but then came good, dropped some head cases like Ronaldihno and Adriano, but still plenty of depth, so now it's time for Dunga to show does he have the skills to pay the bills? Can go all the way, in the footballing sense.
Cameroon:
Their not the force they once were in the 1990 FIFA World Cup', Cameroon are not a side to underestimate this time either. The top African nation in FIFA's rankings, they also bring Africa's richest pedigree to the finals. They have appeared five times in the World Cup, and no other African side has yet eclipsed their historic run to the Italy 1990 quarter-finals
Cameroon have completed an impressive turnaround in a campaign that started with just a draw from their first two matches. Two victories in four days over Gabon were followed by a comprehensive 3-0 defeat of Togo, and Cameroon's four consecutive wins were more than enough to reach South Africa. In the end, the team, led from the back by the likes of veterans Geremi Njitap, Rigobert Song and goalkeeper Idriss Carlos Kameni, gave up just two goals in six final round contests. Their main man is undoubtidly Samuel Eto who scored a total of nine goals in 11 qualifiers, and the world class striker will be the first player opposing coaches try to stop. The promising Pierre Web' is the other main threat up front, while Jean Makoun, Stephane Mbia and Alexandre Song give the midfield a classy but rugged edge in front of mainstays Song, Geremi and Kameni. This is a team with some potential, Eto an obvious one, but defensive midfielder Jean Makoun is one to watch.
The reversal of fortune for Cameroon coincided with the arrival of no-nonsense 45-year-old coach, Frenchman Paul Le Guen, who took over from German veteran Otto Pfister after the slow start. Le Guen had previously taken charge of big clubs Lyon, Rangers and Paris St. Germain, and he brought a sea change in attitude and professionalism to the side. His controversial decision to hand the captaincy to three-time African player of the year Samuel Eto'o in place of long-time captain Rigobert Song turned out to be just what the two players and the team needed. So another team with a good balance, a proven manager and African to boot, who oh who could they be in the multiverse where the World Cup is played by Muppets?, Why, Grover of course, they'll come and entertain, run around, look svelte but when it gets to the knock out stages and beyond, they'll wake up and realise that Super Grover was just a dream, will qualify with the team and management in place, but further on, I'm not so sure.
Chile:
Chile's recent renaissance following a 12-year absence. They have been a no show since France 1998, when Marcelo Salas and Ivan Zamorano showcased their consummate finishing skills, La Roja believe they have the resources to emulate their illustrious predecessors and advance beyond the group phase. Coached by the experienced Argentinian Marcelo Bielsa, the Chileans qualified for the finals with some ease, atoning for poor performances in the qualifying competitions for Korea/Japan 2002 and Germany 2006, when they finished ninth and seventh respectively. And having thinking that they have finally found talented replacements to fill the void left by the Za-Sa partnership, their deluded hopes are high that they can go on and excel themselves in South Africa. In total, La Roja won 16 of their 33 points away from Santiago, an impressive statistic that underlines the resolve of the team.
Raising expectations further is the fact that the attack-minded Chileans ended the group as the second-highest scorers with 32 goals, including ten from top marksman Humberto Suazo, and recorded ten wins in all, more than any of their continental rivals.
Marcelo Bielsa was the man in charge of Argentina's ill-fated bid for glory at the FIFA World Cup Korea/Japan 2002. he has given himself a shot at redemption by engineering Chile's unlikely revival. However it's not all doom and gloom, Nicknamed El Loco (The Madman) for his unique dedication to the game, the 54-year-old strategist enjoyed only a brief playing career but commands the respect of players, fellow coaches and reporters alike. The hard-working and principled Bielsa is a devoted student of tactics and an advocate of enterprising football, characteristics that have earned him huge popularity in his adopted homeland, where the fans are anxious for him to remain in the post for many years to come. So hopefully he'll at least say some crazy stuff, or maybe even challenge Maradonna to a fist fight, here's hoping.
From a Muppet perspective they is Beaker, like so many Muppets I don't know much about Beaker, what I do know is, Chile finished second to Brazil with the second highest scoring thingy, so you never know, in the same way I don't know what Beaker is saying with his Meep Meeps, maybe he's saying that he's going to kill me in the squeeky little voice of his, maybe, just maybe. Can't see Chile getting anywhere at all, not even to the shop for sweets.
Ivory Coast:
If an African team is to make a major impact on the 2010 FIFA World Cup' finals in South Africa, C'te d'Ivoire are seen by many as the most likely candidates. And with world class talent throughout the starting 11, it's no wonder. With more experience, and a little more luck in the draw, Didier Drogba and Co are certain to be a handful in attack as they look to cement their emerging pedigree on the international level. Considering that they strode through qualifying without losing a match, running away with their final qualifying group.
Les Elephants feature top-drawer talent throughout their side, with the Chelsea pair of Didier Drogba and Salomon Kalou a formidable duo up front. Sevilla's Didier Zokora and Barcelona's Yaya Toure provide bite in midfield alongside Marseille's diminutive Bakary Kone, while the England-based pair of Emmanuel Eboue and Kolo Toure combine with Stuttgart's Arthur Boka to form one of the best defences in Africa.
Vahid Halilhodzic took the reins of his first national side when he assumed control of C'te d'Ivoire after the 2008 CAF African Cup of Nations. However, the Bosnian only made it through the next edition of the continental contest when he was sacked after a disappointing quarter-final finish at Angola 2010. After Guus Hiddink and Bernd Schuster were both linked with the job, Sven-Goran Eriksson was given the helm just months before the start of the finals. South Africa 2010 will be Eriksson's third FIFA World Cup after leading England to the quarter-finals at both the 2002 and 2006 finals. He had an unsuccessful stint with Mexico in the first half of qualifying for 2010, but he was sacked after less than a year. He is a vastly experienced club coach, having led Gothenburg to the UEFA Cup in 1982, and leading teams in Portugal, England and Italy. In Sven I think there is a now very underrated manager with a subtle something to prove, but after the debacle of Mexico and Notts Co, it's now or never my facebook friend, From an Muppetry in motion aspect, they = Snuffleupagus, They both have Ivory, which is nice, and the Team are called Les Elephants, so in fairness. Snuffleupagus looks a bit like an elephant, as said earlier, if any other team bar Camaroon are gonna make a dent in this World Cup it'll be these lads, a good talanted squad at the right age and a very underrated manager, like Snuffy, (I can call you Snuffy can't I?), Like the Snuffdog they are slow and steady with that quiet confidence and huge presence, Also Sven and Snuffleupagus speak very similarly. Saying that I can't see them getting out of their group, but if one team is gonna prove me wrong it's these dudes.
Denmark:
After six-years, Danish Dynamite are back! Sounds like a crap 80's movie handle. The Scandinavians missed out on both the 2006 FIFA World Cup' in Germany and UEFA EURO 2008 in Austria and Switzerland, but did an impressive trail en route to a place in South Africa this summer.
With their long absence from the major stage now poised to end, captain Jon Dahl Tomasson and his men are keen to cut a dash in South Africa. Should head coach Morten Olsen be spared the injury woe which threatened to derail his side's qualification campaign at one point, the (un)doubted quality in the squad means the Scandinavians must be a good bet for a shock or two in South Africa. Saying that they did see off Portugal and Sweden in European qualifying Group 1 to top the group with just one defeat in their ten matches. Denmark also beat neighbours and keen rivals Sweden home and away by the only goal of the game on both occasions.
Denmark's key players are largely drawn from big-name European clubs including the likes of Juventus, Arsenal,
Liverpool and Werder Bremen. National captain Tomasson currently leads the Feyenoord forward line after a career featuring spells with AC Milan and Villarreal. Olsen's core of players with wide international experience includes defender Daniel Agger (Liverpool), midfield trio Daniel Jensen (Bremen), Christian Poulsen (Juventus) and Dennis Rommedahl (Ajax), and striker Nicklas Bendtner (Arsenal).
Morten Olsen will complete a decade as Denmark head coach at the finals in South Africa. He took the helm in 2000, guiding Danish Dynamite to the 2002 FIFA World Cup and UEFA EURO 2004. He has yet to indicate whether he will extend his current contract, set to expire after the 2010 tournament.
Their squad doesn't talk to me and I think once the tournament kicks off the bigger teams will up their game and Denmark won't be the underrated underdogs fighting their way through games that they were in the qualifying stages, They to me are everything, including Dr Bunson Honeydew, how can I put my feelings into words for Dr Honeydew, MEH, How can I put my feelings towards the Danish football team, MEH?, We have a winner. Won't get past the first round.
England:
Dubbed English football's 'golden generation', only to fall hilariously flat at UEFA EURO 2004 and the 2006 FIFA World Cup Germany', South Africa 2010 may well be the last chance of international silverware for some of the most well-known faces in the world game.
With the tournament due to take place in the South African winter, conditions which should suit the English players and style, so excuses will be at a premium should Engerland fall short once more. Saying that, they stormed to nine wins from ten Group 6 games, scoring a European Zone high of 34 goals in the process, with their only defeat coming in Ukraine with qualification already secured. And they got the guys that can do the job, with Manchester United forward Rooney, finding the net nine times in as many games and scoring nine goals too. Chipping in are midfield duo Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard, who hit four and three goals respectively. Lanky front-man Peter Crouch (Good touch for a big man: Gav Sinnot wink) made the most of limited opportunities by grabbing four goals in as many appearances, while team-mate Jermain Defoe underlined his finishing skills with three strikes in just 135 minutes on the field.
Couple that with a guy who has been the winner of Serie A with AC Milan, AS Roma and Juventus, as well as a two-time La Liga champion at Real Madrid, Capello has instilled a renewed work ethic and squad spirit in an England squad packed with big-name stars and equally large egos. Qualification for South Africa 2010 with two games to spare and a solitary competitive defeat speak volumes for Capello's impact in his relatively short time in charge. They are one of the favourites in my mind, it could be their time at last, these little Piggies, Why Miss Piggy of course, no one is arguing that Miss Piggy isn't one of the core Muppets, and the same goes for England, a team laced with phenomenally skilled players at a premium age coached by one to of the very best, but I still find Miss Piggy a bully and listening to her go on about 'the past' tends to grate on your nerves after 44 years or whatever. They can go as far as they want.
France:
France crossed a new threshold in qualifying for the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa', having never before graced the finals on four consecutive occasions. Les Bleus have become a regular presence in recent years, having earned a reputation as one of world football's leading teams since the late 1990s. The generation of players that included legends like Zinedine Zidane, Laurent Blanc, Didier Deschamps and Fabien Barthez the clown finally found a way past the obstacles that had blocked the route of earlier vintages.
Despite a drop in standards in 2002 and 2006, France still came agonisingly close to grasping a second global title in the latter tournament, only losing out on penalties to Italy in the Final. The Zidane chapter came to a close that night in Berlin when he threw the nut on Zambrotta, but Les Bleus can still call upon some decent names in world football, with a decent production line of young talents including Franck Ribery, Karim Benzema and Yoann Gourcuff in recent seasons. They may not have done it in style, but France just about satisfied the demands of their supporters by booking themselves a place in South Africa. It took an extra-time goal in their play-off with Ireland to give them a 2-1 aggregate win as Henry did his famous Maradonna impression, next he'll coach France and start picking rocks and wheelie bins for the starting eleven if he is to follow in the little Argie Bargie lunatics steps.
With Patrick Vieira having long struggled with injury, sole France 1998 survivor Thierry Henry has taken the captain's armband, with William Gallas the leader at the back and both Jeremy Toulalan and Lassana Diarra indispensable in midfield. Meanwhile, the emergence of Yoann Gourcuff, the talent of Franck Ribery and the rejuvenation of Nicolas Anelka have given the coach a variety of options in attack, where Karim Benzema, Andre-Pierre Gignac, Florent Malouda and Loic Remy will also be hoping to feature. So it's not that bad of a squad when you get down to it.
However, we have another clown of a coach here in Raymond Domenech, a paradox unto himself since he took the reins in 2004. Praised for his communication skills when he first arrived, his perceived weaknesses in that domain were leapt upon after France failed to shine at UEFA EURO 2008. Domenech has yet to lift silverware with Les Bleus, but he is now the country's longest serving national coach and can point to a FIFA World Cup Final appearance as the highlight so far of a career that has had a steady upwards trajectory.
There is only one Muppet that is similar with France, Gonzo, like Gonzo, France seem often to be at turmoil within themselves, and as much as the coach mouths and spews rubbish like a lawn wetter thing FROM HELL!, you can't argue with the talent in the team, well you can argue, but what would be the point? Also like Gonzo, I'm sure someone has a big nose in the squad.
Germany:
Three-time FIFA World Cup' winners Germany are usually there or thereabouts when the honours are handed out, although lately watching from the stands, and the current national squad will head for South Africa with their sights and expectations set appropriately high.
The Germans' consistent success is based on deep reserves of experience, finely-honed tactical know-how, and the ability to rise to the occasion when the chips are down. Their qualifying campaign merely served to emphasise the enduring nature of those attributes.
In the two meetings with closest rivals Russia, Germany showed all the class that has made them such formidable opponents down the years. In Dortmund, Low's men produced their best attacking half of football since their rousing displays at the 2006 FIFA World Cup and held on to win 2-1. In the crunch return in Moscow on the penultimate matchday, it was almost inevitably Klose who netted the only goal of the game to seal the Russians' first-ever home defeat in FIFA World Cup qualifying. Renowned Sbornaja boss Guus Hiddink mused afterwards on Germany's "utter determination" and named Low's side as contenders in South Africa.
With Ballack out of the World Cup the task of leadership and seniority lies to the next men, and who are they? Despite his unassuming public persona, Bayern Munich striker Klose comes next in the dressing room hierarchy. His record of 48 goals in 93 internationals puts him third in the Germany all-time scoring chart. Also Lahm, Schweinsteiger, and Podolski, who returned home to Cologne from Munich in summer 2009, should have what it takes to acquire world-class billing. Diminutive but exceptionally versatile full-back Lahm looks the best bet of the three and is Captain for this tournament.
Joachim Low, Jurgen Klinsmann's assistant at the 2006 FIFA World Cup, long ago emerged from the shadow thrown by the former world-class striker. On stepping up to the top job on 12 July 2006, the 49-year-old named winning EURO 2008 and continuing Klinsmann's attacking philosophy as his primary goals. Neither target has been fully hit, but the SC Freiburg all-time leading scorer has earned huge respect for his calm, knowledgeable and sympathetic manner of dealing with stars, press and public alike. "Meticulous and painstaking hard work is the only way to succeed," he has said, true to his reputation as a skilled tactician and all-round sage of the game, and neatly summing up the soul of German football into the bargain. And what are these men amongst, eh, men in Muppet terms? Sam the Eagle of course, Germany won't win it, they have the temperament but not the talent, they will get into the third round at least I would say and I just think Sam the Eagle has a big Michael Ballack German head on him.
Ghana:
The only African side to get out of the group stage at the 2006 FIFA World Cup Germany' and the first to qualify for South Africa 2010, Ghana are anxious to prove themselves as the cream of the continent. This won't be the case without their big game player Michael Essien missing out on the tournament and Sulley Muntari and captain Stephen Appiah ain't got what it takes to bring it to the next level. Two of the trio Asamoah Gyan, Junior Agogo and Matthew Amoah usually operate in attack, while the England-based duo of John Mensah and John Paintsil keep the back tight in front of another Premier League player, goalkeeper Richard Kingson.
With Claude Le Roy's departure after a relatively disappointing third-place finish at the 2008 Cup of Nations on home soil, Milovan Rajevac took over leadership of the Black Stars. A former defender that played his career in Yugoslavia, the Serbian was best known for a brief coaching stint with Red Star Belgrade as well as leading perennial Serbian strugglers FK Borac to their first-ever qualification for a European tournament. Basically this team won't need to bother unpacking. But sure God bless their little Ghanian cotton socks, didn't they make it as far as the World Cup so the least we can do for them is give them a little Muppet name for themselves, Rizzo the Rat, because I like Ghana, I also like Rizzo and spare ribs but I can't see spare ribs winning a global footballing competition, Still Rizzo is a smart rat, he's a nice rat, but in the end he's a rat. And in the end, Ghana are Ghana, and without Michael Essien, their Ghana without Michael Essien. Nuff said.
Greece:
After seemingly coming from nowhere to triumph at UEFA EURO 2004, Greece continue to defy the odds under wily coach Otto Rehhagel and have clinched qualification for only their second FIFA World Cup' finals. Greece kicked off qualifying in impressive fashion, picking up victories over Luxembourg, Latvia and Moldova, scoring eight times and conceding none in the process.
There will be no shortage of experience for the Greeks to call on come South Africa 2010. Chief among their veteran performers are defender Sotirios Kyrgiakos, who played more qualifying minutes than any other squad member, and former Inter Milan and Benfica midfielder Karagounis. Nor are they slouches going forward, boasting as they do ten-goal Theofanis Gekas - the top scorer in European Zone qualifying - and the physical presence of four-goal Angelos Charisteas.
South Africa 2010 will be coach Rehhagel's first FIFA World Cup finals, where he is set to be the oldest strategist on show. After a glittering career in his homeland, the German boss has earned worldwide recognition for his achievements with the Greek national team since taking over in 2001. As a bunch of Muppets they are Janice from Dr Teeth the Electric Mayhem, Yeah that one. Basically as their both there to look pretty and make up the numbers.
Honduras:
Honduras reached the finals of the FIFA World Cup' for only the second time in dramatic fashion, an equalizer in the dying seconds of the USA's clash with Costa Rica triggering frantic celebrations from Los Catrachos' fans thousands of miles further south. Yet despite having squeezed into the finals, coach Reinaldo Rueda's talented team will not be going to South Africa just to make up the numbers. Course their not, they're going to win it, and I'll start heating up the giant hat that I will eat when that happens.
Over and above the country's big-name stars plying their trade in the European game, Los Catrachos' key man in qualifying was evergreen 36-year-old forward Carlos Pavon. In typically clinical fashion, it was the well-travelled goal getter who fired his side's winner in El Salvador to ensure their place at the African showpiece. Aided and abetted by the hugely talented David Suazo, Wilson Palacios, Julio Leon and Amado Guevara, Pavon would love nothing more than to crown his glorious international career with a goal-laden showing on the biggest stage of all.
They are coached by 42-year-old Colombian strategist Rueda. After taking the job in early 2007, his professionalism struck a chord with the powers that be in Honduran football, who gave him the time to work denied many of his predecessors. Rueda repaid that faith by guiding his adopted country to South Africa 2010 on the back of sparkling attacking football and a solid backline. The weirdest thing is, there's something about this team that could go to at least the second round. There's an eerie likeability to them that reminds me of Dr Teeth, for all the crazy appearance there is talent there, and anyone who can control Animal is ok in my book, it's the phone book.
Italy:
The defending champions will naturally be one of the leading contenders to emerge triumphant. The only country along with Brazil to have won the tournament twice in succession, Marcello Lippi's men will be vying to match the performance of their pioneering predecessors in 1934 and 1938.
The Azzurri topped Group 8 thanks to their traditional efficiency and pragmatism, even if they failed to set the continent alight along the way. In total, they recorded seven wins and three draws, firing 18 goals and conceding seven.
Alberto Gilardino finished top scorer for Lippi's team with four strikes to his name, including a stunning hat-trick in less than 15 minutes to down Cyprus 3-2 in their final outing. Billed for a number of years now as one of the finest goalkeepers on the planet, at 31 Gianluigi Buffon remains one of the two pillars of the Italian defense. His spectacular reflexes to keep out a Zinedine Zidane header in extra time during the 2006 Final illustrated just why he has an undisputed claim on the gloves. The other leader at the back is none other than evergreen forest captain Fabio Cannavaro. Now 36, the 2006 FIFA World Player of the Year continues to contribute his superb positioning sense and the vast experience of his 130 caps which he keeps in his shed. In midfield, tireless tackler and Bearded Superhero Gennaro Gattuso no longer needs any introduction, Gennaro, Frank, Frank, Gennaro. The 31-year-old is still the motor, battler and all-round talent at the heart of the Italians.
Coached by a veritable monarch in the field of coaching, 61-year-old Marcello Lippi is an expert at making changes that yield results. But can he make a nice sandwich? The answer is of course, yes. Just like the Muppet depicting them, Oscar the Grouch, No one, including me and Texas Tom the Bon Bon salesman is disputing that they don't deserve to be there or there abouts at the end of this and they've been there forever but you know their just gonna moan their little greasy heads off, even if they win it again.
Japan:
Boasting one of the strongest squads in Asian football, which is a bit like me saying I have the strongest sex drive in a group of people with no sexual organs, Japan, winners of three of the last five editions of the AFC Asian Cup, have high hopes for the World Cup.
Japan will also be facing their first finals without iconic midfielder Hidetoshi Nakata. The former Roma schemer featured in each of the national side's games at France 1998, Korea/Japan 2002 and Germany 2006 before hanging up his boots after the latter event aged just 29. Booo Hissss.
Having comfortably reached the fourth and final stage of Asian Zone qualifying for South Africa 2010, Japan won four, drew three and lost just one of their eight matches in Group 1.
Japan's biggest star is former Celtic playmaker Shunsuke Nakamura, who in the summer 2009 made the switch from Glasgow to La Liga with Espanyol. Another European-based performer is young midfielder Keisuke Honda, and leading from the back is 31-year-old defensive rock and captain Yuji Nakazawa, who with over 90 senior caps to his name is Japan's third-most capped player of all time. National supremo Okada is widely considered to be one of the finest Japanese strategists around. He was at the helm during the Samurai Blue's first FIFA World Cup appearance at France 1998, having successfully negotiated a tricky play-off meeting with Iran, and later enjoyed spells at club level with Consadole Sapporo and Yokohama F Marinos whoever they may be, probably made up teams to fluff up his Cv.
Still Japan are one of the teams I like they remind me of The Swedish Chef, we all love this crazy bastard and like him, Japan will turn up with gusto, run around a lot like coked up lunatics and we won't have a clue what their talking about, but you know, we wouldn't have it any other way. Will not get past the first round.
Korea DPR:
Korea DPR seemingly came from nowhere to storm into the Asian Zone's final round of qualifying like the ghost that time fogot, where they defied sizeable odds to take one of the continent's four automatic spots
After spending nearly 30 years in wilderness, that's the footballing wilderness, not the actual wilderness, it's not like 23 players and a dozen coaches, medics and so on were wandering the wilderness for 30 years like some sort of Asian footballing Moses, although that would explain where they have been, the past decade saw the revival of the nation's footballing fortunes. With their women's football teams running riot at all levels on the international scene, the men's side came close to qualifying for Germany 2006 before successfully negotiating the road to South Africa 2010.
Two-thirds of the squad come from domestic clubs which is fancy talk for their shit, though their small overseas-based contingent are vital cogs in the Korean machine. FC Rostov's Hong Yong-Jo was in lethal form up front, the 27-year-old goalgetter scoring four times in as many games. Playing alongside him is Japan-based Jong Tae-Se, who has the power and pace to breach any rearguard except any team at the level of qualifying for the World Cup . Home-based midfielder Mun In-Guk is the man who makes the team tick with his collection of watches and clocks, while keeper Ri Myong-Guk's safe hands and agility can be relied upon between the sticks.
Coach Kim Jong-Hun was only ten years old when the Chollima made history at England 1966 and now, 43 years on, he is still ten years old, it's amazing he managed to guide them back to the pinnacle of world football. Given his squad largely consists of domestic-based players lacking in international experience, the strategist favours a pragmatic and defensive approach based around discipline and teamwork. There is only two Muppets for the two Korea's and Korea DPR get Waldorf, better for everyone they sit it out and just heckle the other teams, just at least to get them talking to one another again.
Korea Republic:
Asia's most frequent visitors to the World Cup due to cheap flight packages, Korea Republic are also the continent's most successful team at the showpiece event. The Taeguk Warriors will be hoping to translate their regional dominance on to the world stage again when South Africa 2010 kicks off.
Park Ji-Sung has played a key role in Korea Republic's two previous FIFA World Cup campaigns and established himself as the captain of his country in recent years. The multifunctional winger of Manchester United is now an indispensible member of the Taeguk Warriors, with his ability to create space and chances for his team-mates using Wizardry and Dark Magic. A clinical forward, Park Chu-Young is widely tipped as the one to solve the problem in front of goal.
The appointment of Huh Jung-Moo in December 2007 put an end to the Dutch influence under the likes of Guus Hiddink and Dick Advocaat. Despite a sluggish start in the Asian Zone qualifying, the former Korea Republic midfielder silenced his critics by guiding his experimental side of monsters into the finals with two games to spare.
Again though we go back to the Muppets and Statler should also sit it out and just heckle the other teams, just at least to get them talking to one another again.
Mexico:
After a turbulent couple of years that has seen three coaches come and go and more than sixty players pull on the famous green jersey which in fairness must stink at this stage, Mexico have returned to calmer waters after moving the country several hundred miles inland. Under the steadying influence of Javier Aguirre the former Atletico Madrid coach has put together a team comprising bright young talents and established stars, restoring their wavering confidence in the process.
Following the appointment of the man they call El Vasco (The Basque), the regional powerhouses shot up from fifth to second place in the final six-team qualification group in the CONCACAF Zone, winning five games, drawing one and losing just the one. Having safely made their way to the finals, their objective will now be to progress beyond the Round of 16, where they have been knocked out at the last four FIFA World Cup' finals.
Veteran playmaker Cuauhtemoc Blanco is perhaps the player Mexico fans should thank for their side's turnaround. Lured out of retirement by Aguirre and a pack of Monster Munch, the uniquely talented 36-year-old became the symbol of a revitalised team, helping younger team-mates such as Guillermo Ochoa, Efrain Juarez, Andres Guardado and Giovani dos Santos to find their best form. Along with skipper Rafael Marquez, they are sure to provide the nucleus of the squad that will travel to South Africa 2010. Javier Aguirre is Mexico's most successful coach of recent times. But can he poach an egg? They will I think qualify from the first round, but their a bit of a Crazy Harry, Crazy Harry was the guy who blew himself out of cannons, was always a bit player but still fun to watch. Mexico play nice attractive football, but their fuse of success is pretty short like a little midget.
Netherlands:
The final or bust thats what they have written on the back of their bus, crazy Dutch Bastards. The Oranje have set lofty aims for their campaign in South Africa, although a multitude of players have followed in the footsteps of the Johan Cruyff generation without ever advancing as far as the final hurdle, though one particularly talented crop did claim the European title in 1988. Often seen as spectacular but mentally fragile, the Netherlands hope to banish that image under Bert van Marwijk, who took over in the wake of their disappointing UEFA EURO 2008 campaign.
He and his charges at least have history on their side this time around. The last team to reach a FIFA World Cup' finals without dropping a single point in qualifying - West Germany in 1982 - went on to contest the final. And the Netherlands picked up eight wins from eight games.
Not the most heralded player in his time, having collected a solitary international cap, Mark van Bommel's father-in-law has known far more success in the dugout. He shone especially brightly at Feyenoord, leading the Rotterdam outfit to the UEFA Cup trophy in 2002 before taking the Dutch crown upon his return after a two-year stint with Borussia Dortmund in Germany. Calm, affable, discrete but approachable, the 56-year-old believes it is important to be close to his players, saying: "An international coach has few opportunities to work with his squad. Because of that, I want to make the most of the time I spend with my players, mix with them, take part in training, and add and vary exercises to get to know them better." Although his style marks a real break with that of his predecessor, Marco van Basten, the tactics remain similar. "Marco put a 4-2-3-1 formation in place," he says. "The players got used to that and I intend to keep it." Flanked by former stalwarts Phillip Cocu and Frank de Boer in the assistant coaching roles, Van Marwijk's record is impeccable thus far. And Van Marwijk has needed to apply his own touch to the core of players he inherited from Van Basten, without shaking things up too vigorously. The key men are Arjen Robben, Joris Mathijsen, Andre Ooijer, Dirk Kuyt, Mark van Bommel, Klaas Jan Huntelaar and Giovanni van Bronckhorst, all of whom enjoyed considerable playing time under the previous trainer. Rafael van der Vaart, Robin van Persie, Nigel De Jong and Wesley Sneijder also remain closely involved.
They have all the potential attributes of Animal, they have the skill, they have the muscle, it's just a question of do they have the mental temperament to do the job? Can go very far.
New Zealand:
After a disastrous campaign four years ago, New Zealand bounced back in emphatic fashion under coach Ricki Herbert to qualify for their first appearance on the world stage in 28 years.
New Zealand topped their Oceania qualification group comfortably winning their first five games before an inconsequential defeat in Fiji with many of the first-team regulars were unavailable. The Kiwis then had an 11-month wait before a two-legged meeting with the fifth-placed Asian nation. Bahrain saw off regional heavyweight Saudi Arabia to earn the right to play New Zealand I think we can guess who won that one, Captain and centre-back Ryan Nelsen is undoubtedly the highest profile and best credentialed member of the squad. The resolute defender has been a regular at Blackburn Rovers for a number of years, and is the only New Zealander to achieve such longevity in the English Premier League.
Everyone else is pants, actually maybe if they were just pairs of pants on the pitch they'd scare the opposition into thinking it was eleven invisible men. Ricki Herbert is their coach and has a funny name, that is all. As a Muppet, they are most definitely Camilla the Chicken, I'd have more belief in Camilla kitting out in the World Cup then the All Whites.
Nigeria:
Expectations are diminished for Nigeria but it was not long ago that the Super Eagles were seen as the most likely African nation to finally reach the last four of a FIFA World Cup. And the continent's most populous nation looks likely to be a dangerous dark horse with little to lose up against the world's best.
The Super Eagles have the ability to score a lot of goals in South Africa behind a pacy, dynamic attack that features the likes of Martins, Yakubu Aiyegbeni, Peter Odemwingie and other people with crazy names that would win games of scrabble hands down like youngsters Victor Obinna and Ikechukwu Uche and evergreen Nwankwo Kanu in what is surely his last role of the dice. They won't be a soft touch behind that either, with Jon Obi Mikel anchoring the midfield, and captain Joseph Yobo in the centre of defence.
Despite qualifying the Super Eagles for another FIFA World Cup, Shaibu Amodu was demoted after the team finished third at the 2010 CAF Africa Cup of Nations in Angola. He was replaced by former Sweden boss Lars Lagerback at the end of February. The 61-year-old led Sweden for over a decade - part of the time as co-manager with Tommy Soderberg - and took the side to the knockout rounds at Korea/Japan 2002 as well as Germany 2006. His teams also qualified for three consecutive European Championships. Their a crazy bet so we think they deserve the mantle of Count Von Count, another team of Dark Horses with plenty of talent, mostly attacking with two or three decent defensive players, it'll be WAN ' NIIIL, HA HA HA HA HA, TOOO ' NIIL, HA HA HA HA HA and so on. Will go past the qualifying round.
Paraguay:
Having just put together their best ever qualification campaign, Paraguay are entitled to think big ahead of their fourth consecutive appearance at the FIFA World Cup' finals. Under the guidance of Argentinian coach Gerardo Martino, the current Albirroja crop look to have what it takes to build on the progress made by their predecessors at France 1998 and Korea/Japan 2002, where the Paraguayans reached the Round of 16 before being knocked out by France and Germany respectively, as in both teams were very respectful when they knocked them out.
While maintaining the defensive standards set by those two sides, Los Guaran'es have added an exciting attacking dimension to their game thanks to the emergence of a clutch of powerful and talented forwards with the ability to unsettle any opposing rearguard. Coupled with the fact that Paraguay broke through the 30-point barrier for the first time since the current qualifying system came into being. Recording ten wins (the most in the group along with Chile), three draws and five defeats, they collected 33 points in all to finish third behind the Chileans and Brazil.Despite the sad incident that will rule out Salvador Cabanas, Martino can call on the services of several internationally renowned players, most of whom play their club football in Mexico and Europe. And while the side is sprinkled with proven performers in every area, the Paraguayans' biggest names can be found up front. Roque Santa Cruz needs no introduction, Roque, Frank, Frank, Roque, after several successful seasons in England, his importance to the national side undiminished despite his absence from most of the qualifying competition. Deputising admirably throughout the campaign were Oscar Cardozo and Nelson Haedo Valdez, who scored 11 goals between them. The formidable trio were all present at Germany 2006, and memories of Paraguay's disappointing group-phase exit could be the spur they need to get in among the goals in South Africa.
Born in November 1962 in Rosario, Gerardo Martino is yet another Argentinian tactician currently excelling in the South American game. The man they call El Tata made his name in the 1990s as a talented attacking midfielder before moving into coaching in 1998. After working for a number of lesser-known sides in his native country, he made the switch to Paraguay, taking over at Cerro Porteno and then Libertad, where he enjoyed his greatest achievements at club milk level. Paraguay are Dr Julius Strangepork, he was a pig that was a Doctor, which is funny, Paraguay are funny too, they'll get past the first round and will then be destroyed.
Portugal:
Finalists at UEFA EURO 2004 and semi-finalists at Germany 2006, Portugal have displayed some dazzling football in recent years, but without ever landing a major prize. Having never progressed beyond the semi-finals of a FIFA World Cup', A Selec'o das Quinas will be aiming to go all the way this time around. OHHH YEAH, All the way!
While fans are rightly excited about the prospect of Cristiano Ronaldo's involvement on football's biggest stage, the 2008 FIFA World Player played a subdued role in qualification, failing score in any of his seven appearances. Nevertheless, the Real Madrid star is known for his ability to rise to the big occasion and will undoubtedly be one of the men to watch at South Africa 2010. Portugal are no pushovers at the back. Bruno should bring aggression and aerial ability at both ends of the pitch, while Ricardo Carvalho has plenty of sure-footed experience. Pepe is questionable following a knee injury, and the loss of Jose Bosingwa is also notable. Veteran midfield pair Simao and Deco are also expected to shine.
Having guided the likes of Luis Figo, Rui Costa and Fernando Couto to consecutive FIFA World Youth Championship titles in 1989 and 1991, Carlos Queiroz is credited as the mastermind behind Portugal's 'Golden Generation'.
When push comes to shove, it's time to shit or get off the pot cos does the Pope shit in the woods? Is the Bear a Catholic? These are some of the questions that Portugal ask everytime they are on the ball with their snazz and their zoooom, and so on. A lot like Rowlf the Dog, you'd be surprised if either weren't there or there abouts at the end, good pedigree, good character overall bar one little bitch, and overall a key player in this.
Serbia:
Serbia played their maiden international, independently, on 16 August 2006, winning 3-1 away to Czech Republic. They did, however, former part of two now disbanded teams: Yugoslavia and Serbia and Montenegro.
They have one good player in Nemanja Vidic at the heart of the Serbian backline. Fierce in the tackle and strong in the air, the 28-year-old was named the 2008/09 English Premier League's player of the season. Multifunctional midfielder Dejan Stankovic has played international football since 1998 and now captains his country, while Marko Pantelic and Milan Jovanovic carry a threat in attack.
Radomir Antic began to excel as a coach. He led Zaragoza, Real Madrid and Oviedo prior to landing at Atletico Madrid, who he improbably guided to a La Liga/Copa del Rey double in his first season in 1995/96. Antic had three spells at the Atletico controls, but had been out of the game for four years when he was appointed Serbia coach in 2008. However, thanks to his tactical expertise and ability to elicit the best from his charges, the Serbians charged through to South Africa 2010. But in fairness, their Serbia, like The Doozers, now made up of about 40 different old countries, they are industrious but once a big boy falls on them it's time to hit the nearest Fraggle bar and get doozed up.
Slovakia:
Appearing for the first time in a major international competition, Slovakia have been striving to relive the glory years enjoyed by the former Czechoslovakia since going it alone in 1993.
Solid at the back for Premier League heavyweights Liverpool, Martin Skrtel is a central figure for his country, while midfielder Marek Hamsik has both a knack of scoring goals for Napoli and the welcome habit of shining for the national side. The latter is unlikely to go unnoticed in South Africa and the same applies to Stanislav Sestak, who finished top scorer for Slovakia with six strikes in qualifying and is eager to continue in similar fashion.
Born in 1964, former Slovakian international Vladimir Weiss was appointed in June 2008, taking over from Jan Kocian after his predecessor failed to take the side through to UEFA EURO 2008.
Slovakia are like Uncle Travelling Matt, Yeah a great story, great journey, but I prefer the big compost type people.
Slovenia:
A nation of just two million people, Slovenia have already punched above their weight to secure a place at this FIFA World Cup'. When one considers that they knocked out Poland, Czech Republic and, finally, Russia - population 142 million ' to take their place in South Africa, the achievement becomes near-miraculous. Yet 2010 is, in fact, this fledgling football nation's second appearance on the game's biggest stage, and they are determined to continue defying the odds when they square up to the world's best, which in itself will be humorous.
Household names are conspicuous by their absence in this Slovenia squad. Yet although his team's success has been built on collective strength and spirit, Kek is not without talented individuals to call upon. Arguably the best known is Cologne striker Milivoje Novakovic, who scored five times during qualifying and, at 30, is approaching this FIFA World Cup at the peak of his powers. The Ljubljana-born striker describes himself as making up one third of Slovenia's 'backbone', with goalkeeper Samir Handanovic and captain Robert Koren, a talented attacking midfielder, identified by Novakovic as comprising this key triumvirate.
A player renowned more for his leadership skills rather than any great natural talent, Matjaz Kek was already in his 30s by the time he won his one and only Slovenia cap in 1992. It was at Maribor, the club with which he won three successive titles in the twilight of his playing career, that Kek was given his first managerial post eight years later. After a moderately successful six-year stint, Kek moved on to Football Association of Slovenia in 2006, initially taking charge of the national U-15 and U-16 teams. By January 2007, however, he had been promoted to the position of senior coach, and has since gone on to exceed all expectations by leading his unfancied team back to the game's greatest stage. As Kek himself said after seeing off the Russians: 'Slovenia has realised a dream.' But basically that's it, that's their message, they are like Bert and Ernie, Slovenia think that their great for qualifying with a population of 2 million, Bert and Ernie have a population of 2, and I'd have more faith in them winning the World Cup then the Slovenians.
Spain:
On a scale of one to a Billion, Spain's performance in qualifying for the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa' can only be given top marks. On top of wins in each of their ten games, La Roja were the European Zone's second top scorers with 28 goals while conceding a miserly five at the other end. Maturity, resilience and the ability to overcome adversity were all in evidence during their campaign, and few national teams in world football are blessed with squads of such depth and sheer talent. The Iberians have not rested on the laurels of their UEFA EURO 2008 victory, consistently bringing in new faces without renouncing their commitment to attractive short-passing football.
The team's success has been based on quality and balance throughout the side. In captain Iker Casillas Spain have one of the world's finest keepers, a man who can be relied upon to bring his superhuman like superman, but without the super, reflexes to the rescue when most needed. Midfield string-puller Xavi Hernandez's inch-perfect passing and vision (Unlike Blind Rob, who failed to make the cut) is vital to the Spaniards' fluid style, while at the sharp end of the attack there can be few if any better finishers than David Villa and Fernando 'El Ni'o' Torres. Vicente del Bosque took over where Luis Aragones left off after the EURO 2008 triumph, keeping the same footballing philosophy and core of players which dazzled the continent that summer and also being one racist motha flucker. The experienced supremo has also hit the heights at club level with Real Madrid, winning two UEFA Champions Leagues (2000, 2002), two La Ligas (2001, 2003), a Spanish Super Cup (2001) a UEFA European Super Cup (2002) and the Toyota Intercontinental Cup (2002).
These boys are serious contenders, like Kermit, Yep, the Kdog may not be loved by all, but it's very hard to hate him, skill, panache, and that natural charisma of being under the spotlight so long can often drain and claw away ones belief, but not here, renowned for professionalism and skill, both boast the quintessential A Gamer mantle and it's up to everyone else to grasp it away.
Switzerland:
Switzerland will be appearing at the FIFA World Cup' finals for the ninth time when the summer's tournament gets underway in South Africa, where coach Ottmar Hitzfeld and his men are aiming for more than just a supporting role.
The Swiss boast a healthy blend of youth and experience, combining talented younger players such as Eren Derdiyok, Tranquillo Barnetta and keeper Diego Benaglio with seasoned campaigners like Alexander Frei and Blaise N'Kufo. The current team is hoping at least to emulate the achievements of their forebears who made the last eight in 1934, 1938 and 1954. Alexander Frei is the undisputed chief on and off the field of play. The Basel striker, who is his country's all-time record goalscorer, was Hitzfeld's natural choice as national team captain. He finished the qualifying campaign on five goals.
Ottmar Hitzfeld is one of Europe's most highly regarded and most successful senior coaches. He is one of only two men to guide two different clubs to UEFA Champions League glory (Borussia Dortmund and Bayern Munich).
But who are they Muppet wise?, I hear you scream, Elmo, I've been to Switzerland and I didn't like it, I also don't like Elmo, though I've never been to him, won't get past the first hurdle.
Uruguay:
Few nations have the footballing history of Uruguay, and in fairness, few want it. Nestling on the northern bank on the River Plate, the country has a population of a little over three million yet boasts an impressive collection of world, Olympic and continental titles and a record that compares favourably with the world's best. The glory years of Uruguayan football are but a fading memory, however, with La Celeste having made just two appearances at the last five FIFA World Cup' finals.
The Uruguay side features a mix of youthful players and household names and is led by the authoritative figure of Diego Lugano. The latest in a long line of temperamental, strong-willed Uruguayan skippers, the blond centre-half likes to combine his defensive duties with often-profitable forays into the opposing penalty box. Up front La Celeste can count on a fearsome strike partnership formed by Diego Forlan and Luis Suarez. The Atletico Madrid striker is another veteran of Korea/Japan 2002 and has put together an impressive CV during his time in Europe. His sidekick Suarez is busy making a name for himself with Ajax Amsterdam, taking over the captaincy after barely two years with the Dutch giants. Together the duo scored 12 goals in the qualifiers.
The 62-year-old Oscar Washington Tabarez is preparing for his second appearance at the FIFA World Cup finals with Uruguay. Tabarez was the man in the hotseat when Los Charr?as were knocked in the Round of 16 at Italy 1990 by the host nation. Now, 20 years on, El Maestro is set to return to the big stage with a youthful and resilient side. Reliable, hard-working and a man of few words, Tabarez began coaching with local club Bella Vista and the U-20 national team. During his lengthy career he has worked at some of the biggest clubs in world football, among them Penarol, Boca Juniors and AC Milan. He was reappointed Uruguay boss in 2006, taking over from Jorge Fossati following La Celeste's penalty-shootout loss to Australia in the Germany 2006 play-off.
U are gay are The Fraggles, both have a lot of history, years ago as a much younger man I thought that the Fraggles could win the World Cup and save the world, but now I know better, Yes, yes, I do.
USA:
With typical efficiency, the United States reached the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa' by qualifying in first place.
In recent years, the name Landon Donovan has been synonymous with the US national team, and also the human being Landon Donovan. The Los Angeles Galaxy attacker has often saved his very best performances for a USA shirt, and there is little doubt that Donovan will once again be one of his team's leading men at South Africa 2010. Providing an impressive supporting cast are the likes of Oguchi Onyewu, Michael Bradley, Jozy Altidore, Tim Howard and Clint Dempsey, all of whom are plying their trade on European soil.
Bradley was originally appointed national coach on a caretaker basis, though a run of ten games unbeaten quickly convinced the powers that be that he deserved the role on a permanent basis. And anyone who doubted his credentials would have been silenced by events at the FIFA Confederations Cup 2009, where the USA ousted favourites Spain in the semi-finals before going down to a narrow 3-2 final defeat to Brazil.
Believe it or not, I think USA are most like Yoda, yep, generally USA are annoying, bullying and so so so so vocal, but not their National Football team, quiet, thoughtful, with bags of experience, literally bags of it that they bought in the shop, and also they have that sing song voice of Yoda. Look, I'm totally out of Muppet/Frank Oz characters and Yoda's a legend, I think the US will go at least to the second stage.
Now: Our predictions to who shall qualify from the first round, which will no doubt absolutely contradict everything else written above:
Group A: France, Mexico
Group B: Argentina, Nigeria
Group C: England, USA
Group D: Germany, Australia
Group E: Netherlands, Cameroon
Group F: Italy, Paraguay
Group G: Brazil, Portugal
Group H; Spain, Honduras
So now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
Much of this info was taken from www.FIFA.com and has been altered, I would have altered it more but it was so well written I couldn't bring myself to soil such a lovely peice. Wish I could write like that.
I'll Fergal You!!!!